"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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