I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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