wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
