If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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