Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
