If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
