my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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