I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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