You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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