One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
