Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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