i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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