I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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