i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up under a house in Key West
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