I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
