in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
