my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
