Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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