At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
