The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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