remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
