You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
