Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I supernannyed him into submission
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
