The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
