I want to make a zoo with you.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
