I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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