after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
