Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
