Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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