does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
In America we eat man semen.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Ladies don't puke and tell
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
