I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
