we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
this is an emotional support booty call
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
