Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
