May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
