I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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