In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
