I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
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Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM VODKA MAN
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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