I feel like abortions should bother me more
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
