We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
