WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
