I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
