I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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