I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
