you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
