literally had 100 drinks last night.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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