my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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