I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
