dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
