I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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