This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
