Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
