hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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