im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
