you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
