I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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