i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
